A People Watcher's Dream

This isn't come as a huge shock to anyone, but my nosiness is not confined to listening, it has spread to observation and general snooping.

Yes, I am an intense people watcher.

There is nothing that fascinates me more than how people interact with each other. What they wear, how they carry themselves, how they interact with their friends, how they carry themselves in pobulic, how self aware they are, everything just fascinates me.

There are very few places in the world that are better to people watch then Downtown Chicago. Add in an abnormally warm day for the first weekend of November and you have the people coming out in droves, and there is no better tourist attraction then millenium park.

Millenium Park is full of tourists, chicago faithfull, and surbanites that are looking to get away from their normal day to day life. Between the bean, the bridge, the park grill, the face structures, and the brand new skydeck connecting to the modern wing of the Art Insititute, there is every type of person you can imagine.

There was the man that was painting the bean and the skyline around him, there was the couple that was taking tons of pictures cementing their tourist status, the couple doing their engagement pictures, and there was the people that I made akward eye conatct with, because they were people watching just as much as I was.

However, today was different. There was kind of a different vibe as I walked around the city.

One thing that I have always prayer for is a passion for the lost. I am not talking about people that don't know where there going, I am talking about the theological definition of lost. Every single person that lives in a day-to-day existence without knowing Jesus.

Self confession- I have never looked at people as lost. It's has something that has always bothered me. I don't really relate to mass evangelism or even street evangelism but I've always wanted to feel the conviction that evangelists feel day to day.

Today, I think I might have felt that for the first time. As we were walking outside of The Art Institute I was looking at each person as someone that needed ot hear about Jesus. Not assuming they didn't already know but more in the sense that I was doing them a disservice by not telling them.

Even beyond that, I was felt an overwhelming sense of burden for the city of Chicago. When I was sitting in Millenium Park I just felt this sense of peace in being in Chicago, because it is a town full of people that need Jesus.

Working at a missions organization I get asked all the time if I have the desire to go overseas. I politely explain my past international experience has confirmed my place here in Chicago. Today, I feel confident in the concept of Cook County being my mission field.

As a potential huge opportunity is presented to me, I am just reaffirmed that this opportunity would further my ministry here in Chicago. What is potentially the coolest thing is I will get the priveledge of serving Christ in one of the greatest cities in the world.

Labels

They're every type A person's dream. A simple slip of laminated paper to organized your most precious possessions. However, to most people they are an overwhelming burden to live up to. A word, a phrase, a title that is supposed to categorize just how a person is.

Most people my age (23) hate the idea of a label. We want to be our own person as we try to figure out who exactly that person is. However, in the past couple of months I have been confronted by a label for my generation (Millenial) and what I would consider a specific sub set of Christian Millenials (the hipsters). Let's tackle Millenials first.

Millenials are defined as anyone who was born between 1982 and 2002, while this seems like a huge huge age gap there a certainly reasons for it. This is the age group that is culturally defined by 9/11, columbine, the oklahoma city bombing and a variety of other things. We lived in a time where our childhood country was under attack. 

We also grew up in a public school system that was obssesed with stroking our little egos. Out with red pens and dodgeball to affect our childhood, bring on purple grading pens, encouraging words, and non contact sports game in gym. 

We lived in a generation of building the child up, and we have created our own little monsters. Children with attachment issues to their parents, who have an unrealistic view of themselves both good and bad, and kids that are afraid to walk away by themselves (Think the iconic image of bambi learning how to walk for the first time).

We grew up in the Pop laden music scene of the late 90's and have become obssessed with image. Think about it...a woman who I heard spoke use this analogy (I can't take credit for it, even though I really want to). A group of her girl friends were hanging out together on a friday night and feeling sorry for themselves and their single lives. So what to do they do?

They get a camera out and start taking pictures. No sad faces anymore, silly happy faces showing how much they "love life." Us millenials know what happens next.

The next morning they wake up to an e-mail saying they your friend has tagged you in 16 new pictures on facebook. Not only our we posing among our best friends we are attempting to show the world and that subsection of our friend list (the friends your just friends with to stalk and to have just to be polite) that we are okay.

Hey guess what, were not.

The age range of 22-27 is especially in a weird stage of life. We are after graduation and confronted with the world we have grown up with. The difference between us and our generational predcessors (Generation X) we honestly we believe we can make a difference in our world. Look at the response to such global catastrophes such as Hurricane Katrina. They'll also point to a higher involvment in philanthropic causes as well as seeking employment at Non Profit Organizations (guilty on all three causes).

Then there is the new label I was introduced to this week, the Christian Hipster.

An author for Christianity Today was reviewing Donald Miller's new book when he mentioned that his writing fits in with the ever growing Christian Hipster movement. Now, being a huge Donald Miller fan I did a little research and found this guys blog. He goes in to discuss many dislikes and likes of Christian Hipster, here a couple I resonated with.

Christian Hipsters dislike mega churches and alter calls. They don't like overly political evangelical leaders. They dont like the book Wild at Heart (finally someone that agrees with me) and tend to like the works of C.S. Lewis, GK Chesterton, and Henri Nouwen.

Okay, so those things nailed me. Unfortunately, there are some things that I didn't relate too,

They love pushing the boundaries of typical christianity through tattoos, fashion, love of the way catholics do things (smybolism, liturgy, etc.). 

Okay, so there are some things I agree with and some things I don't relate too at all (tattoos? really?) but there is some deep seeded irony to both of these things.

I am willing to go out on a limb and say that neither of these groups appreciate being labeled. All of their core beliefs would branch out into the feelings of individuality and I am who I am, and for Christians it would be I am who God created me to be, unique, special, intentionally designed.

However, in an effort to buck the trend I am going to do something I usually don't do. I am going to throw all the labels out there I can think of...here goes nothing.

I am an evangelical millenial (since most millenials don't believe in absolute truth). Myers Briggs would call me an ENFJ, and a spiritual gifts analysis would point to Leadership, Exhortation, and Showing Mercy. I am half hipster, half geek, with a dash of social butterfly thrown in.  That my friends is the label God has created for me...so in the words of my dear sister...when you got it...you got it.

Life of an Non Profit Employee

Wheaton, IL is a place I swore I would never end up. I interned there while in college and was surrounded my people in college who grew up there and hoped to end up there. I was not one of those people.

I always had hopes for a "better or cooler" work location. A big city, or working for a company with big name recognition. Alas, God had other plans.

I currently sit at the reception desk of a Non Profit in Wheaton. I love the non profit world, it is decidely different then your typical corporation but yet balances with traditional ideas. For example I currently have a buttoned up shirt with khakis on, however I am not required to tuck it in and I have paired them with a great pair of teva sandles.

The reception desk has been a second home to me as of late. I fill in when the receptionist is out and enjoy meeting people at the desk. However, I find it odd that twice now someone has commented on the fact that a male is working at a receptionist desk. I know some NPO's are traditional but I'm not gonna lie I got kinda offended.

The other thing about working at a faith based NPO in Wheaton, IL is the emphasis on relationships, no I am not talking about the meaningful relationships one could enjoy platonically. I am referring to the fact that I am the only male in an office about 60 people under the age of 30 and single.

Yes, I am token.

Now, don't get me wrong I am not suggesting that this indictive to all NPO's but the fact of the matter is I can only respond to the culture I am placed in. Several times the question "when are you gonna get married?" has come up and many times I threw up in my mouth.

Again, dont get me wrong I am not against marriage, I actually look forward to it greatly, I am however against the idea of trying to get me paired off for the sake of getting me paired off.

I will go out on a limb and say it takes a special person to work at an NPO. Your salary is dependent on the generosity of others and a group of 8-10 strangers you don't know. You work for a cause and not for the "all mighty" dollar. The list could go on and on.

So what. Why I have I spent the past 9 paragraphs rambling about? Good question. I don't really know. I just felt the need to ramble and had some time to kill.

That is all.

Whoa is me.

Well, its time for a dose of hypocritical humble pie. 

You see, whenever my high school students complain about anything that I deem as unnecessary I will respond with a sarcasm laced "Whoa is me." Well, its time for me to blog, and all I have on my mine is a healthy dose of whining. Now, let me clarify, I find any complaining on technology based social websites (blogs, facebook, twitter, myspace, etc.) a desperate cry for attention and in general unnecessary.

Again, hypocritical humble pie.

I have had an awesome three day weekend highlighted by a personal day to reconnect with my love of hanging out at church during a typical work day (which I assure you is more entertaining than ANY show on television) and a 28ish hour trip to Sawyer, MI with some awesome guys. This is the weekend many people in America are longing for, a chance to reconnect with friends, take a day off work, and in general do what they want.

Well, yeah it was all of that.

But, (sidenote:that word is just dreadful) my weekend was all of those things and more, the and more is what's hard for me. In general, life has turned me into it's own personal stretch Armstrong doll. On top of it's typically endless string of obligations and appointments, which granted I all had the power to say no to, life has decided to attack me at what I once felt was my biggest strengths, relationships.

With several different corners pulling I am in my typical position of firmly in the center, however for the first time...ever...I don't feel like I am helping. I don't feel like I have any control, and I feel for the first time it is taking more of a toll on me personally.

Now logic (and most of all 4 people reading this blog at any given time), would say, take a step back and let it go. 

You see that is where relationships are messy. I currently act as the only real bridge between several fractured and splintered relationships, and I don't see myself being able to get out of it without losing friends. 

Gosh, I don't even know if this makes sense anymore. The fact of the matter is the calmest place for me is my work and the world calm can be considered extremely relative in that sentence. It's hard to feel as though no matter where you go you can't exhale. You can't let your guard down and just be you. It's hard enough to be completely figure out what God has created us to be, but when your surroundings leave it almost impossible to be who you think God wants you to be it just makes your head spin.

So, I apologize for any confusing thoughts in this post. I promise I am going to in the next two weeks write something deep, thought provoking, and in general what I usually like to type.

P.S. if anyone feels compelled to comment, please avoid saying that you're gonna pray unless your actually going to pray with the Power God has called us to. And if anyone even thinks about using overplayed Christian Jargon (i.e. "let go, and let God") I will probably vomit and then have to reconsider our friendship.

Whoa Life

March 8th?

I haven't posted since March 8th? Wow, life does go by fast. This is where I would stick in my favorite Ferris Bueller Quote but the loyal readers already know it, and if you don't shame on you and go rent the movie now.

Since my last post I have become a "functioning member of society," I have a 40 hour a week job in a cubicle with a missions organization. It has truly been a blessing to me serve the Lord by providing means for his people to minister around the world. I am thankful everyday for my job. 

However, it is a job, and working for a Christian Organization is not exempt from life. We are all fallen people, even those who have devoted themselves to cross-cultural ministry or helping those entering the ministry. 

I started on April 15th, my 3 month anniversary will be Wednesday which is very important. It means that I am official and they like me doing my job after my review, which has already happened and let me assure something, they like me, they really like me.

The only downside to my job is the start date. Smack dab in the middle of spring and the brink of summer, when the world wakes up from its heinous hibernation and enjoys new smells and warm temperatures. However, I have been confined to a cubicle. 

I have been told it's a good thing. I have a job that loves me, and a job that I do love. However, as most of you are expecting there is a but. It's the unavoidable 'but' that a non-tied-down-20-something-year-old faces. With no reason to stay in one spot...the question becomes..

Why am I here?

What is keeping me here, amidst my life a hectic schedule that has changed from a once light and lovely come as I go and do what I want life (hate that I just used that phrase), to one where my summer schedule was booked half way through May. Life has become a checklist and it is frustrating. 

Instead of the anticipation of a weekend event (Downey's Wedding) or a trip next week (July 20th-24th leading high schoolers on an outdoor adventure leadership development trip...yes that's baller) I have to take things day by day, plan my life out into a checklist. Not exciting events, but appearances and appointments.

When asked if this is what life is...I get the response I was dreading. 

"Welcome to the Real World, it is what it is."

Boo.Hiss. 

I don't take kindly to being told that my life is going to be a checklist.

Instead, I wanna look at life as Donald Miller views it. Not necessarily every theological point he agrees with, but this idea of life as a living, breathing story. Something that has already been written, but a story that needs more than a half willing participant to make it happen. It needs someone to run through the story enjoying every minute of it with a smile, a laugh, ora thought. 

In his book Through Painted Deserts, he writes in his Author Note this gem of a quote, I really couldn't sum up life better than he could (maybe if I could, I would be an author living life one cup of coffee and one chapter of a book at a time), but instead I leave you with his impression of life.

"No, life cannot be understood on a flat page. It has to be lived; a person has to get out of his head, has to fall in love, has to memorize poems, has to jump off bridges into rivers, has to stand in an empty desert and whisper sonnets under his breath:  

I'll tell you how the sun rose

A ribbon at a time..."

Bliss in Ignorance?

Quick Post, it is 1:44 A.M. post daylight savings time switch and I am tired after a typical very very full sunday full of hanging out with people and a lot of good food...but needless to say I am tired.

Tonight was the third time my church's "post-high school/20 something group" has met. Before the groans begin let me establish one thing. There are about 12 of us. We've all known each other for ever and have no interest in turning it into a single's mingles meat market. We actually just like hanging out with each other and learning about Jesus... weird concept in single 20 something Christian culture, I know.

We discussed Spiritual Gifts tonight and this is a topic I found out that I am more familiar with this topic then my peers. I tribute that to Dr. Dale Keller at Taylor University, he exposed me to the idea of spiritual gifts in multiple classes. It pays to have a professor with a Masters in Communication and an MDiv, it was actually pretty sweet.

Tonight spiritual gifts were framed a little bit differently for me. We focused solely on the gifts listed in Romans 12:6-8. These gifts were presented as Motivational Gifts. Essentially, these are the spiritual gifts we posses that kinda get our motors running. When we exude this quality we find joy and our energized through this specific act.

Before I go any further there is one thing I wanna say. This is a topic that Christians are still trying to figure out. We haven't figured these things out yet and needless to say this is a personal belief. Another quick thought is that just because we may not find joy in a specific gift, it does not mean we are not called to show this gift. Just because I do not enjoy giving financially doesn't mean I do not have to do it.

Get it? Good.

For those of you playing along at home Romans 12:6-8 says:

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously, if it is leadership, let him govern diligently;if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully."

So, this verse lists seven specific gifts (7 is also the number of completion and highly regarded in Scripture...coincidence?) Those gifts being prophecy, serving, teaching, exhortation, giving, leadership, and the ability to show mercy. Now, I know my gifts. I know the three that all have scored higher than all. You wanna know what they are? Ask me, that's for a different post.

However, what I want to write about is the great responsibility we have to discover and use these gifts. For me, sometime I wonder if it would have been easier to be ignorant about my gifts. Live in a quiet bliss and enjoy helping out where I can.

Ha, parable of the talents...that's all I really need to say.

Then it of course brings up the question if we don't use em' do we lose em'...again different blog different time.

For me, the beautiful thing about being a creation of Christ is discovering all the intricacies He has placed within my personality, discovering a desire to serve Him, and most importantly discovering the abilities to serve Him with all my heart. 

The thing I am trying to discover now is how these abilities compliment one another and where the best place is to serve, and how I can make the most of what God has given to me. 

So good-bye ignorance. Will I miss you? No, ignorance is for fools...and if you wanna be ignorant...look up what the Bible says about fools...it may change your mind.

Still Emotion

Okay...as I begin to write I must preface the remainder of this post with this thought. My mind is quite scattered right now, in fact this is the most scattered I have ever felt writing...so if something doesn't make sense (more so then the normal grammatical missteps) I sincerely apologize.

With that being said, lets talk about sex. 

Just kidding. However, now that I have your attention I do want to talk about a couple stereotypical differences between guys and girls. You see the youth group from my home church has been talking about sex and relationships and this week the topic was titled "Who a Guy Is."

My youth pastor has been drawing half of his research from a sex study done by the University of Chicago and they listed these differences between guys and girls. I want to preface this by saying these are all stereotypical.

• Girls are Relational while Guys are Physical
  
• Girls are Verbal while Guys are Visual
  
• Girls prefer Romance while Guys prefer Action
  
• Girls like Chivalry and Guys like Buddies--> i.e. you're not a princess you're a friend
  
• Girls tend to feel their emotions while Guys think their emotions
  
• Girls like experiences and Guys want to be experienced

Look at this list and soak it in. For a lot of people this might be hard pill to swallow because it boils down people to a simple creatures. Personally, I think God has uniquely created us as relational beings and we have a little bit of both sides in all of us....some people just let one side dominate. Now....I must admit some of these things irked me a little bit. For example, I can not be attracted to a girl if she has a sucktastic personality. So for me, the physical must come hand and hand with the relational.

However, the one thing on this list that I do not relate to on the list is guys thinking their emotions. This was explained to me as guys think they are supposed to be mad and don't really show or actually feel upset. Well....this is my captain obvious statement of the year...I have a tendency to wear my emotions on my sleeve. If I'm ticked you're gonna know it, If I am excited you're gonna know it.

So for the past couple weeks I have been on a slight roller coaster of emotion. I have days where it's great, I have days (like today) where I don't feel the need to get out of bed, and then sometimes (Wednesday) where I feel both of those feelings in the same day.

This brings me to my quandary that I am writing this blog post about. There are certain God given emotions that we are supposed to acknowledge and work through. Even if they are negative emotions like anger there is something to be said about experiencing, feeling, and giving those emotions to God.  With all of this being said, there is a verse that has been sticking out to me lately and it comes from the Old Testament.

After they escaped from Egypt the Israelites are wondering around trying to get to the promise land. God, being all knowing, knew that he could not take them straight there or else they would face war from the Philistines and might panic and flee back to Egypt. 

Instead he lead them and gave them "a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night" to never leave his people. However, Exodus 14:14 is the verse that keeps echoing in my head.

The verse says this...

"The Lord will fight for you;

you need only to be still."

Still?

When I hear the word still I think of a little kid being scolded for acting up. This usually comes with sitting in a corner indian style, or even going so drastic as forcing a kid to sit on his hands. However, God is trying to go a little further with the idea of being still than just my gut reaction. Some of it I understand, and some of it, I do not.

For instance, I understand the application of not worrying about the future because not only is the future in the Lord's hands, He has the best possible plans for my life. But what I do not understand is how this is supposed to affect my emotions. Is it? Am I supposed to ignore the frustration I have been having with life? When I get super excited and anxious for something coming up am I supposed to reel-it-in?

I don't think either of these are correct. I think what I am trying to discover is the happy medium I am calling still emotion. Learning to acknowledge the emotions I am feeling but still be able to be still before the Lord and let Him fight for me. Let Him do all the work he is going to do, knowing that He has the best plans.

Still Emotion? What once sounded like a confusing oxymoron sounds like a pretty cool idea right now.

Go Ahead and Judge Me...Seriously

When does a catch phrase go from being catchy to being part of a culture's vernacular? 

Quick side thought...why do you feel so smart when you use the word vernacular?

Anyways, the past four years there has been a phrase that has crept into many of my friends daily word usage and I haven't even been able to avoid it.

Don't...judge...me.

Yes, this popular retort to a friends seemingly critical interpretation of the speaker's story, action, or way of life has inspired me to write after a mini hiatus.

I say this all the time. Whether it is a defense mechanism to let people know right away that they aren't going to be able to change my behavior,whether it is a secret admission of guilt without actually admitting your guilty, or whether I say it so much it's just a natural response this phrase has several different meanings in those three little words. But, I hate to break to everyone out there reading (in my wildest dreams there's like 2 of you) this phrase needs to be tweaked a little bit.

The phrase should say "Go ahead, Judge me." Now, you may be thinking that when this phrase is uttered it is dripping with sarcasm, but in all actuality I am claiming that this sentence should be used in full truth. 

Now this thought has been stewing in my mind for a while, back in college (which was truly a long time ago) I said Don't Judge Me to my roommate senior year and he looked right back at me and said "Too late, I've already judged you, talked to God, I'm right, so how are you gonna fix it?"

Then I metaphorically rubbed my jaw to make sure it was still then from the verbal smack in the face I received, and frankly deserved. This incident was refreshed in my mind on Sunday when my Associated Pastor frankly reminded me of simply thing, God has called us to Holiness. 

The never ending pursuit of forgetting ourself and "to be made new in the attitude of your mind, and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (Eph. 4:23-24)

That may mean that sometime your friend take's a good hard look at you and says "hey your screwing up and it's hurting you," this was really hard for me to hear sometime but the fact of the matter is it keeps us from becoming stagnant and settling.

Settling, in fact, is quite possible the most dreadful word in the english language unless it used to describe a board game and has the word Catan after it.

Settling makes me think of a couple other phrases that make me want to throw up...they include

"I do what I want," what they really mean is "I'm selfish and forget anything you say,"

"I am who I am," what they really mean is "I'm stubborn and lazy,"

"That's just who they are," what they really mean is"The speaker is too scared of that person to actually give them any useful information."

Do you get how settling isn't good, and more importantly don't you see that without judgment we would be a society of settlers? Now, what if I would tell you there is a way to Judge correctly, because judging people for one's personal benefit is not what I am talking about here.

Judging and encouraging are very similar and may even be the same thing.

If you listen closely, you just heard Evangelicals across America gasp.

Now, I am an Evangelical but let's be clear the gift of encouragement or encouraging one another should not be confused with flattery. Encouragement is speaking truth into one's life whether that be to reinforce positive behavior they are already displaying or to truly look someone in the eye and point out a negative behavior in their life and be ready to help them fix it.

The second half of that sounds like what the world is calling Judgment. This is how to be judged, judge by speaking truth into someone's life and show them how to fix it and make sure they understand how crucial it is to developing themselves as a person.

If this type of judgment starts sweeping the nation like it's previously mentioned anti statement, then sign me up, I want some judgement. 

Cabin Fever

Winter rocks in december. The combination of Christmas lights, snow, and happy people just make everything look that much better.

However, it is January and I am kinda over it. The cold is colder, the snow is deeper, the christmas lights are gone, and have been replaced with a world full of people eager to fulfill their New Year's Resolutions and people to make fun of the afore mentioned group.

With the wind chill being -7 currently in Chicago, or as my mother calls it booger freezing weather, I should be content to stay inside and continue to search for jobs on the internet. But, it shouldn't surprise anyone when I say this, I am going to go crazy.

Why is it that as soon as every major news network in Chicago says don't leave your house unless it's necessary I want to go on a drive just for the sake of driving. What is it about someone telling you what you shouldn't do or about how you should do something makes you want to do the exact opposite?

Currently, living at home as almost drove me nuts. I hate when people tell me what to do(with the exception of a set work heirarchy), I don't know what it is about someone telling me what to do, how to do it or when to do it (which is probably the worst) it just makes my skin crawl. Especially things that I don't think are a necessity, like my room being messy. My room is messy so what, who cares, it doesn't affect you so I shouldn't have to clean it on your schedule. 

Whoa, sorry for the vent moment.

Anyways, with a blizzard about to hit Chicago (reportedly) I am already itching to go out...hopefully the itch will go away...and soon.

Again, I am going to blog for the sake of blogging and not try to explain some deep answer...so if you expected some answer for the reason of people rebelling...I can't give you one...sorry bout ya.

2009: The Year of Restoration

Happy New Year! 

Couple quick facts...

One, I am completely weirded out by the fact that it is 2009. I don't know how I feel about the idea of being able to remember my life throughout an entire decade (1990 is just a 4 year old blur)

Two, I am also weirded out that I have been out of high school for five years.

Three, spell check is telling me that weirded is not a word.

Four, well there really is no four.

Anyways, on to what I wanna talk about. The book of Joel.

Yes, it is real. It is in the Old Testament smack dab in the middle between often discussed books Hosea and Amos (please not the blatant sarcasm).

Today my pastor spoke Joel 2:12-17. Joel is a book warning Judah what was about to come. You see, they were being infested by locusts. These locusts had slowly infiltrated every single part of their lives. There were no where to run from the locusts.  In Joel 1:6, these locusts were described as having "teeth of a lion, the fangs of a lioness."

Gew. Not something I am looking to mess around with.

So, upon setting the passage up a little bit let me give you the best reader's digest version I can give you without the copious notes I took this morning (sore subject).

Essentially this is a call to a genuine repentance of sin. With a couple key differences.

First off, in v. 13 it asks us to "rend your heart and not your garment. Return to the Lord your God for he is gracious and compassionate.' Rending of the clothes was a popular occurrence of the day. People would visible rip off their clothes in a public setting as a symbol deep remorse and repentance. I don't know if God was sick of people making sins or just felt the gesture had just turned into a gesture. But he wanted everyone to know he wasn't looking for a gesture he wanted people's hearts to be changed, and that was what Judah needed to do.

Second, he goes on and lists every single different type of people of the day, including imploring a bride and groom to stop their honeymoon. What made this passage jump out at me was a little fact I read in Rob Bell's Sex God. In Jewish tradition way back in the day a couple would have sex before they got to the reception. Essentially, their wedding  wasn't official in God's Eye's until they had sex. 

That is how sacred sex and marriage are too God. And in the midst of a sacred act they are implored to stop what they are doing and repent.

whoa.

So, if that wasn't enough to impact a person. (Especially when your brain automatically treats the locusts of a metaphor for sin in your life and the whole infiltrate everything and systematically destroy the life Christ wants for you sort of thing if you do not repent)

Our pastor throws out this idea (I wish for the life of me that I had the exact quote cause it's baller). How often do people crave intimacy but don't want to work for it? Now, think about it with our relationship with Christ. We want intimacy in our relationship with Christ but how often do we don't do the work He DESERVES. It isn't a matter of if, how much, or when, but Christ deserves are all in our relationship with Him. And are all is the idea of striving to be pure and blameless because He has given us that opportunity without us deserving it or have to earn it.

::exhale::

Okay, then my friend's words started echoing through my ear "You don't usually like to talk about the why nate." So, for some reason I immediately started thinking about why I don't put the work in or why I don't repent when I know there is something screwing up my life. I think I have come up with an answer, and it may not be what those who are close to me may think.

Fear. No, it is not a fear of my sins being out on the table, and it is certainly not a fear of what others will think about me. No, it is a fear of true intimacy.

It is a fear of changing, even if it is for good.

While I am not 100% happy all the time, I have a great life. So, I think I fear what my life would look like changed. I fear having true intimacy with God cause I don't know what it would look like. In a weird twisted way I like knowing what my sin is, its the ol' case of knowledge is power...but completely wrong.

But in the spirit of Joel, the rest of this entry is entering my journal. If I keep writing it I will think that writing about it on the internet is repenting...ha....yeah you read that right.

But, I have decided to treat 2009 as the year of restoration, mentally, physically, spiritually, relationally. For four years, I might have thought about everyone else but me (to a very very very bad fault), but now, it's time to focus on me and what I need to do to kick some locusts out my head.